TIGblogs - Angela Sun

I know I haven't blogged in a while...I swear there have been at least 10 occasions where I meant to but I've been lazy. Since I found that I have a block of time right now, I've decided to finally post an entry. I have about 3 hours before my interview (for what could possibly by my first job ever!) and I hope that I do not have to cut this too short to go to the bathroom. :)

Ok, I decided to erase the whole discussion on religion that I was typing - not to worry, I will write about that soon but I've been just thinking about a topic that I think I need to address. So, a couple weeks ago, a respected friend of mine recently made a comment about how if I wanted a guy to pay attention to me I could possibly entertain the idea of losing a few pounds. This was over the phone so she could not see my mouth drop at her statement. I mean, this wasn't just some mere high school antagonist, this was a senior, respected friend, who was even a pro-choice lobbyist in her day. She would've been the last person that I'd expect to say such a thing. Now, mind you, she did not say it in a malicious manner - in fact, I'm pretty sure that she thought what she was saying was for my own good...but that doesn't make it any was shocking and hurtful.

Now the reason why I was thinking of this incident again (actually, for the tenth time) was because I went to the doctor today and I was informed by the doctor that I was overweight (thankfully not obese). I wasn't surprised by the news - I had never been skinny and with the lack of athletic activity after the collapse of the cheerleading team, I knew I had gained weight. The doctor is going to refer me to a nutritionist - because I have horrible eating habits (I practically starve myself on weekdays and I binge a lot on the weekends) and don't exercise - and I also had to get a blood test because this could also indicate a hormonal imbalance.

I have to admit that a part of me wished it was just a hormonal imbalance. I feel terrible for wanting it to be an internal (and possibly dangerous) problem than just diet & exercise. Having hormonal problems would be way worse health-wise than the need to change my lifestyle. I guess a part of me doesn't want it to be my fault - even though, deep down inside I know it is. I also don't want to put in the effort that I need in order for me to improve my health. My mother has already stressed the "health first" rule but I'm too much of a sloth to implement change. I think I need to shake off this self-induced lethargy and do something good for my health.

But there is another side to the story - the all important internal side: the emotions. Sometimes I feel like losing weight will give too much satisfaction to the people who call me "fat" or
"ugly" or erroneously claim that I eat too much or even people who nag me on and on about my weight. I don't want them to think it's because of them. I don't want them to believe that all their nagging or teasing got to me (even though, they probably did). I don't want to hear any "I told you so"s. If I do lose weight, then I want people to see it as all my own doing. Unfortunately, that may not be the case and I shouldn't even care about what people may think, but it's too late for that. I've lived in society for too long. On the other hand, if I lose weight - I might feel more confident about my body and fit into my clothes better. One must make the aesthetically pleasing argument. It will be hard work but I'll feel healthier and as hard as it is to believe, I actually enjoy being active - I just don't create enough opportunities for myself to do so. Maybe the doctor's diagnosis can be a good thing - I will now be motivated by health to change things for the better.

Sometimes I wish that "losing weight" would not have such a negative connotation. I wish that everyone would be like my doctor and just state things in a medically neutral, concerned manner. I wish that the pressure was lessened. That instead of focusing on whether someone looked good or not, it focused on their health. That being attractive was not associated with someone's body at all. That people weren't so mean or critical of one another. That parents wouldn't mask concerns about how their child's looks reflected on them with supposed concern for their child's health. That caring would always go hand in hand with sensitivity.

Unfortunately, to have a world like that would require the existence of humans without human nature.